Stroke Diary (14): Back to Work

Monday 6th. September:
I once worked alongside a teacher in a small special school for children with learning difficulties. She had recurrent breast cancer but twice had made it back to work. I asked her how she was feeling and she told me that returning to the school had been her target, her goal, the thing that kept her going through the bad times. I couldn't understand this. Her class were exhausting, the school was tatty and the staff didn't seem to be an inspiring bunch. I couldn't imagine anything more desirable than not being at work, being free to choose how to spend each day and not having to face getting up on dark, winter mornings. But then I was a mother of three young children, struggling to balance home and work and not that confident about my success as an educational psychologist. I had no idea how important work can become for the mature woman, once children have left home and competence and confidence in the workplace becomes a mantle of respect and wisdom.
So I was relieved to return to work on an agreed plan of half days and very reduced duties but even then, by lunchtime each day my brain was shouting that it had had enough, it needed to go home and lie down. I didn't achieve a great deal. I managed to clear my e-mails, attend a couple of meetings and give some informal supervision. I couldn't have made any school visits or delivered training, so I am far from fit. My workplace is unique and I am aware that for many stroke patients, a return to work after six weeks would be impossible due to unreasonable demands and pressure from employers. I have been allowed to take my time and through the week I felt myself change from 'sick person' to competent member of a community with a shared purpose. The conversations about how I was feeling dropped away and I was consulted, sometimes apologetically, about real issues. Next week, I'll be more focused and tackle the pile of tasks, already comfortingly tagged with 'to do' post-it notes.
The best thing about this week's recovery is that my head is feeling less thick and fuzzy. Either that or I'm simply getting used to it. I can still get dizzy and my balance isn't good but I think these problems are going to need some kind of programme (Pilates? Tai-Chi?) rather than natural recovery. I had no problem with the three flights of stairs up to my office but after one unsteady moment, I had to be strict with myself about holding onto the bannister (difficult when carrying a mug of coffee AND a piece of cake).
My outpatient's appointment is scheduled for the end of the month. I am supposed to have another CT scan before this but I have had no word. My G.P has been chasing it up and she telephoned to say that the consultant was (roll of drums)...'waiting for QMC'. I wonder if this is code for 'I forgot all about it'.
My next Stroke Diary post will follow this appointment. It marks the start of my quest to find out what happened to me. I am not anticipating any enthusiasm or collaboration in this from the consultant and I am expecting to be told that I have to accept that the stroke was 'just one of those things.' I'm not going to accept this.